1. A universe is waiting for a collision.
In the Red Sea, I must have fallen in love with her.
I still remember the date. 03rd of January 2014. There was an entire ocean ahead of me, and while I was trying to fix my eyes towards a distant horizon, her voice travelled through the clear paths of the deck and reached my ears. I wish I could just call it a voice, for I knew it wasn’t. It was a melody, a beautiful tune mixed with a feeling of happiness and comfort at the same time. Until today, I thought of love as an alien entity that was born out of a marriage between physical needs and a beating heart. But I knew this was different. Her voice was as soft as a feather. As I read somewhere, “Some voices are just love.” Her eyes, which were as deep as the ocean, was still the best part of my day. The depth in her eyes made me realise that maybe life was worth living. A million questions still popped up in my mind. I was trying to calm the storm which was growing in my mind. Was it love? Was it lust? I was still clueless about it. But in between all these confusions, I was sure about one thing, that she was a beautiful living organism I have seen on this planet. Everything in my life would be nice if those eyes would have fixed on me. Everything in my life will have balanced out if she would have come into my life.
There is darkness everywhere. The life inside is lost, and there is a wait. A wait for timeless boundaries to stop appearing and let me free. Some time back, a universe exploded in the far away space. I am still waiting for a universe to come and collide with mine. Our universe will then travel together, diving down into a dark abyss. And amidst that darkness, we will find a light. A light that will shine into our lives and guide us to a comfort zone. The chaos in my universe will balance with sanity if I just collide with her universe and in all this destruction, we will create a life of ours.
2. Alone, flying in outer space towards Golden Nebula of Xibalba.
We could have run away leaving the ocean behind.
I was waiting all day for you to be alone. You were standing on the deck observing the waves as they crashed on the hull. I was waiting for you to take some time out and see me. Out of randomness, out of curiosity, I was hoping that you would notice me. You should have seen me looking at you. I was waiting for that one moment. If a moment could change our lives, then I would have happily said that yes, that would be the moment, that one singular moment from a lifetime of moments which I will treasure forever. In the jar of all collected memories, this moment would shine brightly. I would have painted this time on the canvas of our love and brush your outlines with my favourite colours. Inflammable heart. It can never understand the origin of the fire. It’s the mind that takes control in such situations and makes a soul look awkward. Now and then there was this sense of fire burning in my heart when she was with her friends. And she seemed to have given up on the universe that was so close to colliding with hers. She had an unreachable face. So for a while, there was this distance. And I always thought that when she would come to me, it will be a gift.
Somewhere in this darkness of matter, I see a shining star. A beautiful moment of realisation just hit me. It was the perfect universe to collide and create life. I am now in a small self-contained bubble flying in an outer space towards the distant star which was shining brightly. Of all the little moments of here and there, I was travelling at a velocity higher than the light, with my eyes fixed towards that star. I knew she would be waiting and I will meet her there. I was taking an interstellar route, travelling through black holes, cheating the laws of astrophysics, just to make love in Zero gravity.
I love you, and now I am afraid of being alone.
The day I saw you were the last day of my journey. I cursed the concept of time which kept you hidden for a long time. The whole idea of love, at first sight, seemed ridiculous to me. By now I was in love with your voice, with your eyes, with your presence, with you. It still felt awkward for me to go and talk to you. To know you in some other story, I would have met you on the first day, and our journey would have been different. But here I was watching you smile. Ours was a reality I had to make myself believe. With the first tide tomorrow, your presence would be gone. And like the winds that carry this ship, you will never return. Maybe waving a goodbye would have set things free. But this simple heart suddenly felt heavy. I suddenly felt that I won’t be able to see you right from the moment you set foot on the ship. This sudden realisation made my heart skip a beat. Or two. No, it doesn’t matter. My heart is gone. I doubt If I’ll ever love again. So what if it was just a mad love which was over even before it started. There are countless definitions of love by the authors and poets Why not include this silent treatment to the definition of love. We will never see each other again. Or better, I’ll never see you again. And between this journey and the remaining part of my life, all that would be left is regret. There was this attraction, a strong force that brought you to me. And now that I pulled away, the magnet of that feeling, whatever it was is now gone, and I am here disembarking the steps of this streamliner, all alone.
There was an enthusiastic smile as I was playing inside that bubble slowly approaching the bright star where I was sure you would be waiting for me. I was travelling through the dark void of space and time all alone. I was sure that light would come and eradicate my loneliness. That another soul would move from an outer world and fill my world with a light that would enlighten my universe. And then there was light. A bright light that only meant destruction and nothing else. There was chaos in this empty vacuum of a timeless matter. The star just exploded, and the meaning of my journey was over. I cried. I jumped. I shattered every tiny piece of the object around me. And then a fragment from that broken star hit my sphere, and that was the end. I did not see her. I believed in her concept. And now that’s taken from me. I am falling. To the groundless reality. I will be a lifeless body floating in this timeless matter and empty layers of the milky way. And that way, my love will end before it even started.
Originally written as a Guest Post on Archana’s blog